Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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