I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
