No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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