apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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