I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
