He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
