this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
