do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
