he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
