Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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