i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize