After last night, I could never be a politician.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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