someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Randomize
