Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
