I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
