My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
