I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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