So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
