Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
