Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
