i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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