I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
