There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
