me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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