I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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