My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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