i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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