god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
