Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
