im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
