exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
