...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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