In the future we'll all be gay
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
