My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
