I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
