WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there's paper in my vomit.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
