i wish starbucks made bloody marys
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
