are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
