he puts the penis in happiness.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
