you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
