i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
