I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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