I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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