you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
