Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
