I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
