So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
