It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
