You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
