I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
