There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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