i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
