Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
