There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dick has a subreddit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
