party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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