I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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